Ask couples what they want most from each other in a hard conversation, and many will say the same thing: “I just want to feel heard.” Listening sounds simple. In the middle of a disagreement, it’s one of the hardest things to do.
“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” James 1:19 (ESV)
James puts listening first for a reason. When we feel heard, we calm down. When we don’t, we repeat ourselves louder.
Why we don’t listen
Usually it isn’t because we don’t care. It’s because, while our spouse is talking, we’re:
- preparing our reply
- defending ourselves in our head
- fixing the problem before we understand it
- waiting for them to finish so we can make our point
“If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” Proverbs 18:13 (ESV)
Five habits of good listening
1. Put the phone down and face each other. It tells your spouse they matter more than whatever else is going on.
2. Let them finish. Don’t interrupt, even to correct a detail. You’ll get your turn.
3. Say back what you heard. “So you felt left out when I made plans with my brother without asking you. Is that right?” This one habit can change the whole tone of a conversation.
4. Ask about feelings, not just facts. “How did that feel?” often matters more than “What exactly happened?”
5. Don’t rush to fix it. Sometimes your spouse wants a solution. Often they want company in the problem first. If you’re not sure, ask: “Do you want me to help sort it, or just listen?”
Taking turns
Some couples find it helps to take turns as speaker and listener. The speaker talks for a few minutes about one issue. The listener only listens, then repeats back what they heard. Then you swap. It can feel artificial at first. It also slows things down enough for both people to feel heard.
When it’s your turn to speak
Listening is easier when the speaker is kind too:
- talk about how you feel rather than what they always do
- keep to one issue at a time
- keep your voice low
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1 (ESV)
Practise when it’s calm
Good listening is a skill. Practise it in easy conversations so it’s there when the hard ones come. Our weekly check-in for couples is a good place to start.
If your conversations keep turning into the same argument, read arguments that go round in circles. And if you’d like help learning to talk and listen well together, Pastor Victor’s strengthening your marriage programme covers exactly this.
