Every marriage needs forgiveness, because every marriage is made of two people who get things wrong. Yet forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood words in the Christian life. Some couples avoid it because they think it means pretending nothing happened. Others rush it because they think a quick “I forgive you” will close the matter.
What forgiveness is
At its heart, forgiveness is a decision to release a debt. Someone has wronged you, and you choose not to make them pay you back. You hand the matter to God, who judges fairly.
“Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” Colossians 3:13 (ESV)
Christians forgive because we have been forgiven. We don’t do it in our own strength. We ask God to help us do what we can’t manage alone.
What forgiveness isn’t
It isn’t pretending. Forgiveness takes the wrong seriously. You can’t release a debt you won’t admit exists.
It isn’t the same as trust. You can forgive your spouse today and still need time before you trust them again. Trust is rebuilt through changed behaviour. See rebuilding trust after betrayal.
It isn’t a feeling. You may decide to forgive and still feel hurt for a long time. Many people find they have to choose forgiveness again each time the memory returns. That’s not failure. It’s how forgiveness works in real life.
It isn’t excusing harm. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean staying in danger. If you or your children are being harmed, get to safety first. You can call the free, 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247, or 999 in an emergency.
It isn’t forgetting. “Forgive and forget” isn’t in the Bible. You may always remember what happened. Over time, the memory can lose its sting.
When you’re the one asking for forgiveness
If you’ve hurt your spouse, don’t demand forgiveness or put a timetable on it. Own what you did, say sorry without excuses, and change your behaviour. Read how to apologise well for practical steps.
Small steps towards forgiving
- Pray honestly. Tell God exactly how you feel, including the anger.
- Write down what you’re forgiving. Naming it helps.
- Decide not to use the wrong as a weapon in future arguments.
- Talk with a pastor or trusted Christian friend who can pray with you.
Forgiveness and your marriage
Forgiveness doesn’t fix a marriage on its own, but no marriage can heal without it. It makes room for repentance, honesty and new habits to do their work.
If you’re finding it hard to forgive, or hard to be forgiven, you don’t have to work it out alone. Pastor Victor’s marriage restoration programme gives couples space to work through forgiveness together, at a pace they can manage.
