Every marriage needs apologies, because every spouse gets things wrong. A good apology can stop an argument in its tracks and begin to heal a hurt. A poor one can make things worse.
What a real apology includes
1. Name what you did. “I spoke to you sharply in front of your mum.” Be specific. A vague “sorry for everything” can sound like you don’t really know what you did.
2. Own it without excuses. Leave out “but”. “I’m sorry I snapped, but you were nagging me” isn’t an apology. It’s an accusation with “sorry” at the front.
3. Acknowledge the hurt. “That must have been embarrassing and hurtful.” This shows you understand the effect, not just the action.
4. Say what you’ll do differently. “Next time I’m stressed, I’ll tell you instead of taking it out on you.”
5. Ask for forgiveness. “Will you forgive me?” puts the relationship back at the centre.
Things to avoid
- “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This puts the problem on their feelings, not your actions.
- “I said sorry, what more do you want?” Apologies aren’t a ticket to move on.
- Apologising just to end the conversation.
- Over-apologising until your spouse ends up comforting you.
Receiving an apology
Receiving an apology well matters too. When your spouse says sorry:
- thank them for saying it
- if you can forgive, say so
- if you need time, say that honestly and kindly: “Thank you. I’m still hurt, but I’m glad you said it.”
- don’t use the moment to list other wrongs
For more on what forgiveness does and doesn’t mean, read what forgiveness is, and what it isn’t.
Why it matters to God
Jesus taught that being reconciled with each other matters more than religious activity.
“First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” Matthew 5:24 (ESV)
In marriage, a quick, sincere apology is part of worship.
Bigger wrongs
For small hurts, a good apology may be all that’s needed. For serious wrongs, such as betrayal or hidden debt, an apology is only the start. Repentance and rebuilding trust take time. Read what real repentance looks like.
Practise
Try ending your weekly check-in by asking each other: “Is there anything I need to say sorry for this week?” It keeps small hurts from growing.
If apologies have become hard in your marriage, or the same hurts keep coming back, Pastor Victor can help. See the programmes for couples.
