Engaged couples often know each other’s favourite food, friends and films. Fewer have talked through the things that shape daily married life. These questions are a place to start. Take them a few at a time, over coffee or a walk, and be honest.
“For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?” Luke 14:28 (ESV)
Faith
- What does following Jesus look like for each of us day to day?
- Will we pray together? Read the Bible together? How often?
- Which church will we belong to, and how involved will we be?
Expectations
- What did marriage look like in the home you grew up in? What do you want to copy, and what do you want to do differently?
- Who will do which jobs at home? How will we decide?
- How much time do we each need with friends, and on our own?
Read more in expectations: the quiet cause of early arguments.
Money
- Do either of us have debts?
- Will we have joint accounts, separate accounts or both?
- How much will we save, and what for? How much will we give?
- Who will manage the bills?
See talking about money without a row.
Family
- How often will we see each set of parents?
- Where will we spend Christmas and other festivals?
- What will we do if a parent disagrees with a decision we’ve made?
- Are there cultural expectations we need to talk about?
Children
- Do we want children? How many, and when?
- How would we feel if children didn’t come easily?
- How were we disciplined as children, and what do we think about that now?
Conflict
- How did our families handle disagreements?
- What do I do when I’m angry? What do you do?
- How will we make up after an argument?
Intimacy
- What are our hopes and fears about physical intimacy in marriage?
- Is there anything from the past we need to talk about?
These can be harder to raise. A pastor can help make the conversation feel safe.
Work and the future
- Where do we want to live?
- How do our careers fit together?
- What would we do if one of us lost a job or became ill?
If something worries you
If a question uncovers a big difference, don’t panic. Talk it through, pray about it, and get help if you need it. It’s far better to face differences now than to discover them in the first hard year.
Pastor Victor’s preparing for marriage programme gives engaged couples space to talk through all of this together, with guidance from the Bible. You might also like why marriage preparation is worth the time.
