More and more couples in the UK marry across cultures, countries or church traditions. That can bring great richness to a marriage: new food, new festivals, new ways of seeing the world and of worshipping God. It also brings differences that are worth talking about early.
The Bible’s picture
From the start, God’s plan was for people from every nation to be gathered together in Christ. Ruth, a Moabite woman, married into an Israelite family, and her words are often read at weddings:
“For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God.” Ruth 1:16 (ESV)
In Christ, culture is never a reason for one spouse to look down on the other.
Areas to talk through
Family roles. In some cultures, extended family are closely involved in decisions. In others, couples are expected to decide alone. Talk about what each of your families will expect.
Respect and how it’s shown. How do you greet elders? How are disagreements handled? What counts as rude?
Money and family support. Some families expect adult children to send money home or support relatives. Agree together what you will do.
Food, festivals and holidays. Which traditions will you keep? Whose family will you visit, and when?
Language. If you speak different first languages, which will you use at home? Which will your children learn?
Children. How will you raise them in both cultures? What do you each think about discipline and education?
Different church backgrounds
Christians from different traditions may worship very differently. One of you may love quiet liturgy, the other lively praise. Talk about:
- where you’ll worship together
- how you’ll pray at home
- which practices matter most to each of you
- how you’ll raise children in the faith
The aim isn’t for one tradition to win. It’s to find a shared spiritual home where you can both grow. See praying together as a couple.
When families object
Sometimes parents struggle with a cross-cultural marriage. Be patient, respectful and united. Let each spouse speak to their own family. Over time, many families come round as they get to know the person their child has married. Read in-laws, family and healthy boundaries.
Learn each other’s world
- Spend time with each other’s families before the wedding.
- Learn a few words of each other’s language.
- Ask about your spouse’s childhood, festivals and food.
- Be curious more than critical.
Talk it through with someone
A pastor who has worked with couples from many backgrounds can help you name differences you might not notice. Pastor Victor’s preparing for marriage programme covers family, in-laws and culture as one of its main topics.
