Every person brings a picture of marriage into their wedding. Most of that picture is never said out loud. It’s made from the home we grew up in, the films we watched, our culture, our church and our hopes. When two pictures don’t match, small things can cause big hurt.
Where expectations come from
Think about the home you grew up in:
- Who cooked? Who cleaned? Who dealt with money?
- How did your parents show love? Gifts? Time? Words? Help?
- How did they argue, and how did they make up?
- How often did family visit? Who hosted?
- What happened on birthdays and at Christmas?
You may want to copy some of this and do the opposite of other parts. Either way, it shaped what feels normal to you.
Small things, big feelings
Unspoken expectations often show up in small moments:
- “Of course we spend Christmas with my parents.”
- “I thought you’d plan something for my birthday.”
- “I didn’t know you’d mind if I went out with my friends on Friday.”
- “In my house, the husband dealt with the money.”
The surprise and disappointment can feel out of proportion to the issue, because what’s really being tested is “Does my spouse understand me?”
Bring them into the open
Before the wedding, or at any time in your marriage, try this:
- Each write down ten things you expect from married life, from the everyday (“we’ll eat dinner together”) to the big (“we’ll have children within three years”).
- Swap lists. Read them without comment.
- Talk about where they match, where they differ, and where you’d never even thought about it.
You’ll probably laugh at some of them. A few may need a longer conversation.
Expectations of God, too
Some couples expect that because they’re Christians, marriage will be easy. Faith is a strong foundation, but it doesn’t remove the need for work, patience and forgiveness.
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 (ESV)
Notice how much of that is about letting go of insisting on your own way.
When expectations aren’t met
Some expectations are reasonable and need talking through. Others need letting go. A useful question is: “Is this something we need, or something I’m used to?”
Keep checking in
Expectations change with jobs, children and age. Revisit them regularly. Our weekly check-in for couples is a good place to do that.
Pastor Victor’s preparing for marriage programme starts with what each of you expects from marriage. You might also find what to expect in the first year of marriage helpful.
