When one spouse has hurt the other, “sorry” is an important word. But on its own it isn’t enough to rebuild a marriage. What restores trust is repentance: a real change of mind and direction that shows up in how you live.
Regret or repentance?
The Bible makes a clear distinction between feeling bad and actually turning around.
“For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.” 2 Corinthians 7:10 (ESV)
Worldly grief is mostly about ourselves: embarrassment at being caught, fear of losing things, wanting the bad feelings to stop. Godly grief is about the harm done to God and to the person we’ve hurt. It leads somewhere new.
What repentance looks like
It names the wrong plainly. “I lied to you about the money. I hid it for two years.” Not “mistakes were made” or “I’m sorry you feel that way”.
It doesn’t blame. There may be real problems in the marriage. Repentance doesn’t use them as an excuse.
It accepts the consequences. Your spouse may need time, space or changes in how things work at home. Repentance accepts that without resentment.
It changes behaviour. Words matter, but trust is rebuilt by what your spouse sees over weeks and months. See rebuilding trust after betrayal.
It keeps going. Repentance isn’t a single conversation. It’s a new direction you keep choosing.
The picture in Luke 15
In Jesus’ story of the lost son, the son comes to his senses and decides:
“I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you.'” Luke 15:18 (ESV)
Notice that he doesn’t just feel sorry where he is. He gets up and goes home. Repentance moves.
If you’re waiting for your spouse to repent
You can’t make your spouse repent. You can pray for them, be honest about what you need, and protect yourself if you’re being harmed. If there is abuse in your home, put your safety first and call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (free, 24 hours), or 999 in an emergency.
If you’re the one who needs to repent
- Ask God for forgiveness first. You don’t have to carry this alone.
- Write down what you did, without excuses, before you speak to your spouse.
- Apologise clearly. Our post on how to apologise well may help.
- Ask your spouse what would help them begin to trust you again, and listen.
- Find someone to hold you to account, such as a pastor or a trusted Christian friend.
Repentance and forgiveness work together. You can read about the other side in what forgiveness is, and what it isn’t.
If you’d like help walking through this as a couple, Pastor Victor’s marriage restoration programme offers confidential sessions, online or in person.
