When you marry, you don’t only join your life to your spouse’s. You join two families, each with its own habits, expectations and ways of showing love. That can be a great blessing. It can also be a source of real strain.
Leaving and holding fast
The Bible’s first description of marriage gives a clear order:
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24 (ESV)
Leaving doesn’t mean abandoning or dishonouring your parents. It means that your marriage becomes your first human loyalty. Decisions about your home, your money and your children belong to the two of you.
Common pressure points
- a parent who expects to be consulted on every decision
- frequent, unannounced visits
- criticism of how you cook, clean or raise children
- expectations about where you spend holidays and festivals
- money given with strings attached
- cultural expectations that one family sees very differently from the other
Honour and boundaries can go together
Christians are called to honour their parents. Honour means respect, care and gratitude. It doesn’t mean obeying every wish as an adult, or letting anyone come between husband and wife.
A boundary is simply an agreement about what you will and won’t do. It can be set kindly and respectfully.
How to set a boundary well
Agree it together first. Never set a boundary with family that your spouse hasn’t agreed to. You need to be united.
Each speak to your own family. It’s usually best for each spouse to have difficult conversations with their own parents. “We’ve decided...” is better than “My wife doesn’t like...”.
Be kind and clear. “We love seeing you. Could you ring before you come round, so we can make sure we’re in?”
Expect some disappointment. Boundaries can feel like rejection at first. Stay warm and consistent.
Keep showing love. Visit, call, include them and say thank you. Boundaries work best alongside obvious affection.
When cultures meet
Where you come from different cultures, family expectations can be very different. What feels normal and loving to one spouse may feel intrusive to the other. Talk about this openly, ideally before you marry. Read marrying across cultures and church backgrounds for more.
Protect your spouse
If a parent speaks harshly about your spouse, don’t stay silent. Gently and firmly make it clear that you stand together. Your spouse needs to know they come first.
Getting help
Family tensions can feel impossible to talk about without hurting someone. A few sessions with a pastor can help you agree a plan together. Engaged couples can talk about family and in-laws in preparing for marriage. Married couples can work through it in strengthening your marriage.
