One of the most common situations in marriage support is this: one spouse wants help, and the other doesn’t. If that’s you, it can feel lonely and frustrating. There are still things you can do.
Why a spouse might say no
Understanding the reasons can help you respond with patience:
- Fear of blame. They may expect to be ganged up on.
- Embarrassment. Especially if they’re well known in church or the community.
- Hopelessness. They may feel nothing will change.
- Pride. Some people feel they should be able to sort things out themselves.
- Past experience. A bad experience of counselling or church can make anyone wary.
How to ask
- Choose a calm moment, not the middle of an argument.
- Speak about your own feelings: “I’m unhappy with how things are between us, and I’d like us to get some help together.”
- Explain what’s involved. “It’s a few confidential sessions with a pastor. We’d both get a chance to talk. It could be online, from home.”
- Suggest a short call first, with no commitment.
- Don’t threaten or give ultimatums.
If they still say no
Get support for yourself. You can still talk to a pastor or trusted Christian friend for prayer and guidance. Ask on your first call whether one-to-one support is possible.
Change what you can. You can’t change your spouse, but you can change how you respond. Kindness, a calm tone and a sincere apology for your own part can shift the atmosphere at home. See how to apologise well.
Keep praying. Pray for your spouse and for your marriage, and ask God for patience and wisdom.
“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9 (ESV)
Ask again later. A “no” today isn’t always a “no” forever.
When it isn’t safe
If your spouse’s refusal is part of a wider pattern of control, threats or violence, your safety comes first. Please call 999 in an emergency, or the free, 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247. Men can call the Men’s Advice Line on 0808 801 0327.
Look after yourself
Living with a struggling marriage is draining. Rest, eat well, keep up with friends and church, and talk to your GP if you’re feeling low. If you’re finding it hard to cope, Samaritans are available day or night on 116 123.
Take the first step yourself
If you’d like to talk about your situation, send a short enquiry. Pastor Victor will arrange a short call. You might also find signs it’s time to ask for help useful to share with your spouse.
