Pastors spend their lives caring for other people’s marriages. Yet a pastor’s own marriage can be under great strain, and it is often one of the hardest places to ask for help. If you’re a pastor or a pastor’s spouse, this post is for you.
Why ministry marriages struggle
- Long and unpredictable hours. Evenings, weekends and emergencies eat into family time.
- Living in a goldfish bowl. The congregation watches how you live, so problems feel impossible to admit.
- No pastor of your own. You care for everyone else, and there may be no one caring for you.
- The spouse’s role. Pastors’ spouses often carry heavy, unspoken expectations, and can feel lonely or unseen.
- Church conflict. Tension in the church comes home.
- Financial pressure. Many ministers live on modest incomes.
Warning signs
- your spouse feels second to the church
- you only talk about ministry
- you’re both exhausted most of the time
- you’ve stopped praying together
- you feel you have to hide problems from the people you lead
Where to turn
It can feel risky to tell anyone in your own church or network. That’s why confidential support from outside your congregation matters so much.
“You and the people with you will certainly wear yourselves out, for the thing is too heavy for you. You are not able to do it alone.” Exodus 18:18 (ESV)
Moses needed his father-in-law to tell him he couldn’t carry everything alone. Pastors still need to hear it.
Small steps you can take
- Protect one evening a week for your marriage, and treat it like any other appointment.
- Agree times when you won’t talk about church.
- Build a weekly check-in. See a simple weekly check-in for couples.
- Pray together for each other, not just for the church. See praying together as a couple.
- Make sure your spouse has friends and support outside your role.
Confidential help
Pastor Victor has pastored one church in East London for 28 years. He knows the pressures of ministry from the inside, and his programmes for couples are open to ministry couples from any church.
Sessions can be online, so you don’t need to be seen going to an appointment.
If your marriage is in crisis, start with marriage restoration. If you’re not sure what you need, send a short enquiry and he’ll arrange a call.
